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Who is the person behind Zancura
My Testimony, My Life
My favorite Scripture
Poetry of 1996
Poetry of 1997
Poetry of 1998
Poetry of 1999
Favorite Links
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Poetry of 2000
Poetry of 2001
Zan's photo Album

My Testimony, My Life

And into the person behind the handle in which you’ve all come to know. Well lets start with the nitgrit stuff first and get it out of the way. I was raised in a Christian home in which my parents made sure we were in church on a regular basis. I have two older sisters In which I Thank God I still have daily. You see both my sisters were almost taken from me in vehicle accidents the scarey thing is my oldest sisters accident occurred Oct 13,1994, and my other sister had an accident ten years to the day of my oldest sisters. So under safety precautions I have vowed to stay home tucked away in bed on Oct 13 2014 as to avoid the famous “third times a charm” saying. I also have a younger brother who’s 25. Really not much to say about him, other then he’s leaving for the military here the beginning of 2006 where I pray they might be able to teach some form of respect to him. My mother I view as a very strong woman, in which I have a great deal of respect for cause she always fights to come out on top. My Father though he was to me the greatest, Always knowing what to say when you were hurt. And no matter what the situation always there to comfort, hoping that you'd learned your lesson without the lecture. And always fighting to show his kids the best path in life. But my father died 9 years ago. And I'd have to say thats kind of where life began. I was in 11th grade the night that call came I had come home from the ice skating rink and my close friend was staying the night with me. Around midnight I told my friend that something wasn't right.... It just didnt feel right we both shrugged it off and went to sleep. Around 3am my mom came into my room and woke me. I was angry to see her at that hour, because she was always threatening me with if i forgot to do soemthign she'd drag me from bed to do it. But then she told me that dad had passed away. I denied it...I told her she was lying and started screaming. She left cause the phone was ringing. The next several days were a blur to me. I dont know how I made it through them. At first I tried playing it cool bout it saying there was a reason for everything. But then I started to get angry and that anger drove me for a long time. You see I started blaming God for everything that had happened...started telling people that god could burn in hell, because he had no understanding of the pain I felt at that moment. Sounds harsh but its how I felt. I started doing things I knew would purposely hurt God. I started swearing and smoking which soon became a part of my everyday life without thinking. Small you may say but to me it was a whole New World. I got into the wrong crowd and started drinking and experimenting with drugs, and soon sex followed. I continued on this destructive path for almost 2 years till one night I decided that I couldnt take it anymore and it was time to end it. You see I knew I couldn’t go forward on the path I was heading down, and I had gone so far away from God that I just was so sure God wouldn’t want me back. I looked at my life and just knew there was no way of going back to where I was........ So I was at a stand still in my life I couldn’t face another day and I couldn’t go back so the only possible solution there was for me was to be done with all of it, that everyone else would be better off in this world without me. So I sat down and wrote the letter that would explain my reasoning to the family and friends I had left that might still care. Everyone in the house was gone for the evening So I felt it was the perfect opportunity. Crying I went into the bath room and sat there for the longest time holding my razor. Was actually startled when the phone rang I hadn’t realized that I had carried it with me. Without really thinking I answered it. The voice on the other end the only words straight out were “what the hell do you think you are doing” it was a guy from the church in which I grew up in. He explained after a bit that he’d been sitting there when the strongest feeling that he needed to call me right then came over him and he said he knew that if he didn’t call right at that moment that there would never be another chance. Talking with him helped at least for a time. But the ways of the world once drawn into them are too tempting once you’ve had that taste of it. I moved out of my mothers home soon after and into my sisters... I tried to go to college but then from there I ended up dropping out my sister needed me too much. I started watching her kids and cleaning and taking care of the house for her... one night though (a friend whod been living there) came home drunk and wasted saying hed hit a parked car and ran he was on parole at the time. My sister then told me to lie to the cops cause this was her B/f best friend... she told me if I didnt lie I would be out of the house...scared and not sure ...... I lied...Of course the authorities aren't stupid and could see right thru it and I found myself facing a court hearing. I told my sister that I couldn’t lie in the courts and that I had to tell the truth because I was swearing before God I was telling the truth and I couldn’t face it if I lied. She told me then she didn’t care if I burned in hell so long as her boyfriend didn’t end up in Jail. I Told the truth that day and reiceved 1.5 years probation, 30 hours community service and had to pay court costs...... it was put under the A.R.D probation due to it being a first time offense which meant when I completed my time then It would be wiped from my record. Things worked out at that time. But within a few weeks my sister kicked me out. She had my mom so angry with me that I couldn’t go home. So I found myself at this point without a home, and no family I felt I could turn too. My sister had managed to destroy a lot of my friendships with lies. At this point I had two dear friends left in life and a church I had just started to attend. Those two friends opened there homes to me for a few weeks thankfully, after like two weeks Joe approached me one of the friends, and told me there one roommate was moving out and they needed a new one. At which point I was thankful but scared because I had just recently been let go from my job so I had no income. He explained to me that wasn’t a worry of his if I was willing to help keep the house cleaned and could just cook for the him and the other roommate when they were on there busy schedules. At this point in life I was 20 years old. When our annual fair rolled into town we were sitting discussing rent for that month we were coming up a bit short , and I remembered my sister owed me from watching the kids still So I called her and talked to her she told me she didn’t have it I let her go. My roommates and I ran for some groceries and then decided to frequent the fair for a few. I hadn’t seen my mom in months and thought that the first steps to healing a broken relationship was to talk so while they went down to the fair I stopped home. I was only there for a few when someone called when she got off the phone she said she had to run somewhere and asked me to go I said ok I let the roommates know and went with her. We ended up at my sisters place where I found she also had cops there. When I went in they explained my sister had contacted them about a burglary. Told them that someone had stolen 400 dollars from them. Being I had just called there that morning to see if she had the money she owed me The cops were looking towards me. They kept telling me it could ruin my probation and that if I returned it now then they wouldn’t press charges and on and on. I could see the disgust in my mothers eyes when I looked at her. My sisters back too me. I knew then everything I had once considered precious in life was gone. I asked the cops if I was under arrest, they said no and I said fine I was leaving. I turned to my family screaming profanities at them that they could come search my house our home and they would find nothing there. And I ran out, ran across town to my apartment and collapsed in the kitchen upon entering it. I called the youth pastor of the church I’d been attending and all I remember telling him was how much better things would of been without me because I couldn’t handle the hurt the pain I felt from the betrayal and distrust of my family. When my roommates came home that night they found me on our kitchen floor curled in a ball just crying neither said anything they left me be. I remained on the floor for 6 hours before I found it in me to move. I understood just then how Job from the bible felt when he lost everything I may not of lost everything material wise of this world, but everything that mattered to me was gone I felt and I couldn’t begin to understand how things could ever get better. I took back to drinking some ......... Nothing ever came of the missing money my sister says today her boyfriend had taken it or something I don’t recall. It took a good two years to rebuild relationships in my family. My mom knows the truth now about how things really were and has apologized for ever having doubted me. Honestly through all of this I had learned to lock my heart up. In which I wouldn’t have to feel pain. Letting someone get close to me was out of the question, because I was determined to never feel the hurt and pain I had felt over the last few years again which made it difficult in getting closer to God again. Up until spring of 2004 I had succeeded in keeping my heart closed to pain. There was a girl where I worked tho that took the time to really hear me and see me with no strings attached, and then there was a friend online who saw me the same way and for the first time I felt like I had a chance to finally open my heart and allow the hurt to start to heal....... Both of them Christians. Through talking and much prayer with the two I learned that in order to find happiness of any kind it involved hurt. I’ve accepted that now. I gave my life back to the Lord in the Spring of 2004. And Finally found a church where I felt I could grow and confide and trust in that September. Which I’ve been at for over a year now. I still have moments where I feel weak in my faith and struggle quite a bit but I’m growing everyday and I know that he’s with me I know that he’s always been with me now. I know I’m the one that opened the door and allowed all of this to happen even that things I didn’t speak of ( if I’d of spoken of everything we’d be here for a week believe me) Today at the age of 26 I am involved as a volunteer leader with Youth For Christ, Attending College part time studying elementary education at the prompting of the Lord, and Working full time at a place Called Liberty electronics..... A company In which is strongly based on God many of the workers there. Honestly theirs much more to tell but I still have trouble talking on many levels bout the past of some of the things. But if you wish to talk please feel free to email me or if you wish to know more about God in general please feel free to email me I would be more then happy to sit down and talk on a messenger. I pray somehow maybe this site has helped or touched you. May God Bless and keep you close in his arms. God Bless